Thank you for this post. I can related in so many different, but similar ways.
My tongue is Portuguese, I work in English, do daily life stuff in German, and can speak some sort of Portuñol (Portuguese mingled with Español). People look down on immigrants, but c'mon, learning languages isn't easy!
Such vivid truths here, thank you for sharing. As a fellow immigrant to Western Michigan in the early 2000s, growing up with English as my second language and Meijer run-ins, this was all too relatable.
A fellow West Michigander! So great to know you;ve found this, you understand this all too well. This exact thing. Thanks for commenting and reach out, this made my day.
Este escrito es increíble. No soy bilingüe pero te entiendo tanto… Soy española y mi novio es inglés, y aunque los dos hablamos entre nosotros en los dos idiomas, no ha sido hasta hace poco que me he dado cuenta de lo confundidos que están nuestros cerebros con tanto mix y tanto spanglish. Requiere mucho esfuerzo encontrar la palabra o expresión en tu propio idioma sin tener que recurrir por conveniencia al otro porque tiene exactamente lo que estás buscando😅 Y también el tema de la personalidad y del agotamiento cuando yo estoy con su gente y no puedo hablar español y viceversa. Siento que estoy aprendiendo mucho, pero a veces ya me afecta en mi manera de escribir, porque hay un rinconcito de mi mente que ya habla en el idioma que no es mío. Aquí en substack suelo publicar tanto en inglés como en castellano, pero es un reto además decidir qué va en un idioma o en otro, y la creatividad al escribir es tan diferente que sientes que pierdes un poquito de cada. Ni de lejos he experimentado lo que tú has pasado en tu vida respecto al lenguaje, pero te admiro mucho y abrazo esa parte de ti que no pudo florecer en su momento 🤍🤍🤍
gracias por compartir tu experiencia tan honestamente. <3 es fascinante cómo el bilingüismo afecta nuestras mentes y relaciones, ¿verdad? ese "rinconcito" en tu mente que habla en otro idioma - lo entiendo perfectamente. es como si nuestros cerebros fueran un collage de idiomas y culturas. y el agotamiento que mencionas cuando estás con la gente de tu novio, uff, lo siento en mi alma. es como si estuvieras actuando en una obra de teatro, pero sin guión.
y eso de decidir en qué idioma escribir... es todo un arte, ¿no? cada lengua tiene su propia magia para la creatividad. (por lo menos es asi para mi.) aunque nuestras experiencias sean diferentes, compartimos ese sentimiento de navegar entre mundos lingüísticos. gracias por tu empatía y por ese abrazo virtual. significa mucho. 💖
sigue escribiendo en ambos idiomas. cada palabra es un puente entre culturas.
This is incredibly touching. Honestly, I want to respond in Spanish, but my Spanish isn't good. I'm also boricua! But I left the island when I was five, and haven't learnt anymore Spanish since. My Spanish (writing and reading wise) is forever stuck at a first grade level, and yet I can't express myself the way I want in English either. I'm stuck between two languages and it's heartening to know I'm not the only one! Gracias por este post, resonó conmigo 🫶🏽 (excuse the poor spanish LOL)
this was an amazing read. so recognizable. i feel mostly muzzled living in a country where they speak none of the languages i do. i fear i'll leave before i get to master the language well enough to capture quick wit and sharp remarks. And so, indeed, people here will never get to know me
thank you so much for reading and for sharing your experience! i'm genuinely touched that this resonated with you. your comment about feeling "muzzled" hit me hard. it's like walking around with duct tape over your personality. all those quick comebacks and witty observations just... stuck. i totally get that fear of leaving before you've fully found your voice in a new language. it's like you're racing against time, trying to piece together a whole new you before the clock runs out. can i ask - what languages do you speak? and where are you living now? (don't reply if it would be too revealing, i'm just nosy.) i'm curious about how you navigate those linguistic spaces. do you find little pockets where you can be your full self, or is it a constant state of translation?
also that fear you mentioned about people never really getting to know you - man, i feel that in my bones. it's like you're always performing a watered-down version of yourself. thanks again for sharing. it means a lot to know i'm not alone in this linguistic limbo. keep fighting to be heard, in whatever language feels most like home. 💖
let's just say my own language ('mother tongue' haha even more gross) is germanic, and obviously I speak english, but this new place is roman language all around and they hardly speak english even though they are quite some similarities... somehow the fact that this would be my third and the first feels unfair, but since i'm the foreigner in their country of course that's a childish thought lol. stupidly enough I feel most comfortable writing in english, not my first language. i always wonder how many mistakes are in there
Gracias por expresar esto con palabras. Definitivamente me identifico con tener diferentes personalidades dependiendo del idioma utilizado. Aprecio que hayas compartido tu crianza y la influencia que el idioma tuvo en ti, y que hayas explicado la ciencia detrás de esto, bien hecho!
ay, gracias a ti por leerlo!!! y por este comentario tan lindo! :) me alegra que te hayas identificado con la idea de las diferentes personalidades según el idioma. a veces pienso que somos como esos muñequitos rusos, ¿sabes? las matryoshkas. cada idioma es como una capa más, una versión distinta de nosotros mismos. y lo de compartir mi crianza... uff, no te voy a mentir, me costó. es como abrir el baúl de los recuerdos y sacar todas esas cositas que duelen pero que también nos hacen quienes somos, ¿verdad? pero sentí que era importante contar esa parte pa' que se entendiera bien de dónde vengo.
y lo de la ciencia, pues mira, hasta yo me quedé loco cuando empecé a investigar. ¿tú sabías todo eso? a mí me voló la cabeza. es como que por fin tuve pruebas de algo que siempre había sentido pero no podía explicar.
gracias otra vez por tus palabras. de verdad que comentarios como el tuyo me dan ánimo pa' seguir escribiendo. un abrazo fuerte! :D 💖
Dad, you know - this piece was born that day you and i were in Puerto Rico last talking about how we’d explain PR to gringos… remember that? it took a while for the thought to complete and form. But you helped inspired this one a bit. I love you so much, Dad. <3 <3 Nos vemos pronto
“but here's what i've learned: i am not less. i am more. and i am who i am. i am english and spanish and french and spanglish. i am puerto rico and michigan and washington, dc and san diego. i am loud and quiet, extroverted and introverted, emotional and rational.
i am all of these things. and if you want to know me, if you want to love me, you need to know all of me.”
this is sooo raw and so vulnerable!! anyone who came here an immigrant knows exactly this feeling, you painted a picture of what I went thru as well except on the east coast.
i love that your mom knew all the english bad words! 😂
you are brilliant Edgar! seriously brilliant Edgar!
anyeri! mi amor! thank you so much for reading this and for leaving such a beautiful comment. 🥹💖girl, you know exactly what this feels like, don't you? east coast, west coast, midwest - the struggle hits different but it's still the same at its core. i'm so glad this resonated with you. it's like we're all part of this secret club nobody wanted to join but now we can't leave, you know? and lmaooo yes! my mom's english vocabulary was... colorful, to say the least. 😂 i swear, half the reason i learned english so fast was to figure out what the hell she was actually saying when she got mad!
seriously though, thank you for calling this raw and vulnerable. it wasn't easy to write, but comments like yours make it worth it. it's like... we've all been carrying these experiences around for so long, and finally being able to put them into words feels like letting out a breath i didn't know i was holding.
you're brilliant too, you know that?!? the way you've navigated your own journey, the strength it takes to build a life in a new place - that's not just survival, that's art.
thank you for being you, for being here, for getting it. te quiero un mundo. 💖✨
p.s. if you are ever in san diego, we're getting cafecito and swapping immigrant war stories en la playa, okay? 😘
Estava llorando al fin de tus palabras 😭got me crying in the cat club 😭😭 mi corazon llora. Cuando viene aqui (also excuse my spelling, although I feel decently fluent in my speaking and hearing skills, my writing was never actually something I practiced but I still try!) yo mi senti como un outsider. Nadie spoke Spanish with me, mi novio era un gringo, muy amable pero, un gringo in the end with very limited culture exposure. Yo creo que it did bother me, but I didn’t know why for so long. Hearing your experiences, lo que te dijo esa PINCHE señora, (I would deck her in the face if I could time travel) it just hurts my heart to hear something like this happening to someone so lovely, alguien que merese todo el amor y cariño en la vida. When I look at my own transition into San Diego and all the changes here compared to back home, I did not experience the same things but, I do think I shut down myself and a huge part of my own culture along with it. Es verdar que si no me conoces en mi idioma (is this how it’s spelled? 😭), no me conoces a mi. I feel trieste mirando lo que dices, y applicandolo a mi vida tambien, I feel like a huge part of my soul is missing. The first time I spoke to anyone here in spanish, it felt like a hidden message, like as if we are the Underground Railroad but on the surface. Like hidden messages only we could share amongst ourselves. Whenever un gringo entrava, it made me feel like my space was invaded. Although I also appreciate their understanding of the language. Aren’t we supposed to be the melting pot country? Aren’t languages and cultures and experiences and life stories supposed to bring us together with better understandings of lives around us? And the world around us? I feel small and huge at the same time. I would love to have more time to speak my language and explore my culture and other cultures as well. Yo no quiero perder mis roots. Again, your writing made me cry at work and I seriously felt so heard and just emotional. Ugly crying at work lol 😭😭😭
I think all of this to say, my heart aches for a part of myself that even I don’t fully know. I’ve shared some of my life with you so I’m sure it’ll make sense from that perspective. Pero aye, there is so much que es una mystery. To think, all the generations erased, all the family I will never meet. All the parts of me I’m missing, mi corazon se siente incomplete. Alamejor va ser por toda la vida asi? Or, no se. Pero. Se que no Estoy solo
iris, mi amor. thank you for this raw, beautiful response. you've got me tearing up now too. 😭💖your words hit home hard. that feeling of being an outsider, of shutting down parts of yourself to fit in - i see you. i feel you. you're not alone in this, not for a second.
the way you describe spanish as a hidden message, like an underground railroad on the surface - that's poetry, iris. that's exactly what it feels like. a secret code, a lifeline to our true selves. don't ever feel small for wanting to hold onto your roots. that desire to explore your culture, to keep that part of you alive - it's not just valid, it's vital. you're not incomplete, you're beautifully complex. your heart aches for parts of yourself you don't fully know? mine does too. but maybe that ache is what keeps us searching, keeps us whole. you're right - you're not alone. we're in this together, carajo. your voice, your story - it matters. it's part of the fabric of who we are. thank you for being vulnerable, for sharing this. te quiero un mundo, mi niño!!!! 💖✨
🥹 te quiero tambien Mami 💕🫂 we deserve to share our stories and feel heard and seen. Your piece has really made my perspective shift on what it means for me to feel connected, feel like I belong. I feel like you’ve taken the words I’ve struggled to put together, and put them into this beautiful piece that just really hit home. Mi corazon esta abrierto, quero conocer ese parte de mi y de los otros que amo. I didn’t know, no supe lo que estava buscando, pero I feel as though I can move forward with un poco de claridad. We are in this together!
muchísimas gracias para escribiéndolo - este ensayo se puso muchas experiencias que no sabía como expresar en palabras exquisitamente elegidas aunque mi experiencias eran un poquito diferente 🫶✨ estoy intentando aprender mi quinto idioma (y quinto personalidad 😹)
ay, mi amor! gracias a ti por leerlo!!! y por estas palabras tan lindas. me alegra que hayas podido conectar con el ensayo, aunque tus experiencias hayan sido un poco diferentes. eso es lo bonito de compartir nuestras historias, ¿no? cada uno tiene su propio camino, pero de alguna manera todos nos entendemos. ¡y anda! ¿quinto idioma? eso sí que es impresionante. me tienes curioso... ¿cómo es esa quinta personalidad que estás desarrollando? 😂 sabes, siempre he pensado que aprender un nuevo idioma es como descubrir una nueva versión de uno mismo. es como si cada lengua te diera una llave para abrir una puerta diferente de tu personalidad. sigue así, que eso de ser un políglote es como tener superpoderes en este mundo loco!!!!! y gracias otra vez por tus palabras. me dan ánimo para seguir escribiendo y compartiendo. ¡un abrazo fuerte, beryl! te quiero mucho.
how lovely and inspiring! thank you for sharing <3
Thank you for this post. I can related in so many different, but similar ways.
My tongue is Portuguese, I work in English, do daily life stuff in German, and can speak some sort of Portuñol (Portuguese mingled with Español). People look down on immigrants, but c'mon, learning languages isn't easy!
Such vivid truths here, thank you for sharing. As a fellow immigrant to Western Michigan in the early 2000s, growing up with English as my second language and Meijer run-ins, this was all too relatable.
A fellow West Michigander! So great to know you;ve found this, you understand this all too well. This exact thing. Thanks for commenting and reach out, this made my day.
How beautifully and truthfully written. My first tongue is of the earth, and the second of the sky.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Anni :) I love that last sentence: "My first tongue is of the earth, and the second of the sky". beautiful. <3
Este escrito es increíble. No soy bilingüe pero te entiendo tanto… Soy española y mi novio es inglés, y aunque los dos hablamos entre nosotros en los dos idiomas, no ha sido hasta hace poco que me he dado cuenta de lo confundidos que están nuestros cerebros con tanto mix y tanto spanglish. Requiere mucho esfuerzo encontrar la palabra o expresión en tu propio idioma sin tener que recurrir por conveniencia al otro porque tiene exactamente lo que estás buscando😅 Y también el tema de la personalidad y del agotamiento cuando yo estoy con su gente y no puedo hablar español y viceversa. Siento que estoy aprendiendo mucho, pero a veces ya me afecta en mi manera de escribir, porque hay un rinconcito de mi mente que ya habla en el idioma que no es mío. Aquí en substack suelo publicar tanto en inglés como en castellano, pero es un reto además decidir qué va en un idioma o en otro, y la creatividad al escribir es tan diferente que sientes que pierdes un poquito de cada. Ni de lejos he experimentado lo que tú has pasado en tu vida respecto al lenguaje, pero te admiro mucho y abrazo esa parte de ti que no pudo florecer en su momento 🤍🤍🤍
gracias por compartir tu experiencia tan honestamente. <3 es fascinante cómo el bilingüismo afecta nuestras mentes y relaciones, ¿verdad? ese "rinconcito" en tu mente que habla en otro idioma - lo entiendo perfectamente. es como si nuestros cerebros fueran un collage de idiomas y culturas. y el agotamiento que mencionas cuando estás con la gente de tu novio, uff, lo siento en mi alma. es como si estuvieras actuando en una obra de teatro, pero sin guión.
y eso de decidir en qué idioma escribir... es todo un arte, ¿no? cada lengua tiene su propia magia para la creatividad. (por lo menos es asi para mi.) aunque nuestras experiencias sean diferentes, compartimos ese sentimiento de navegar entre mundos lingüísticos. gracias por tu empatía y por ese abrazo virtual. significa mucho. 💖
sigue escribiendo en ambos idiomas. cada palabra es un puente entre culturas.
💘💘💘
I’m bilingual (French and English) and this resonates so much!! Beautiful essay
:) i'm glad this resonated.
This is incredibly touching. Honestly, I want to respond in Spanish, but my Spanish isn't good. I'm also boricua! But I left the island when I was five, and haven't learnt anymore Spanish since. My Spanish (writing and reading wise) is forever stuck at a first grade level, and yet I can't express myself the way I want in English either. I'm stuck between two languages and it's heartening to know I'm not the only one! Gracias por este post, resonó conmigo 🫶🏽 (excuse the poor spanish LOL)
Mil gracias a ti! Thank you for the comment. <3 <3
this was an amazing read. so recognizable. i feel mostly muzzled living in a country where they speak none of the languages i do. i fear i'll leave before i get to master the language well enough to capture quick wit and sharp remarks. And so, indeed, people here will never get to know me
thank you so much for reading and for sharing your experience! i'm genuinely touched that this resonated with you. your comment about feeling "muzzled" hit me hard. it's like walking around with duct tape over your personality. all those quick comebacks and witty observations just... stuck. i totally get that fear of leaving before you've fully found your voice in a new language. it's like you're racing against time, trying to piece together a whole new you before the clock runs out. can i ask - what languages do you speak? and where are you living now? (don't reply if it would be too revealing, i'm just nosy.) i'm curious about how you navigate those linguistic spaces. do you find little pockets where you can be your full self, or is it a constant state of translation?
also that fear you mentioned about people never really getting to know you - man, i feel that in my bones. it's like you're always performing a watered-down version of yourself. thanks again for sharing. it means a lot to know i'm not alone in this linguistic limbo. keep fighting to be heard, in whatever language feels most like home. 💖
let's just say my own language ('mother tongue' haha even more gross) is germanic, and obviously I speak english, but this new place is roman language all around and they hardly speak english even though they are quite some similarities... somehow the fact that this would be my third and the first feels unfair, but since i'm the foreigner in their country of course that's a childish thought lol. stupidly enough I feel most comfortable writing in english, not my first language. i always wonder how many mistakes are in there
Gracias por expresar esto con palabras. Definitivamente me identifico con tener diferentes personalidades dependiendo del idioma utilizado. Aprecio que hayas compartido tu crianza y la influencia que el idioma tuvo en ti, y que hayas explicado la ciencia detrás de esto, bien hecho!
ay, gracias a ti por leerlo!!! y por este comentario tan lindo! :) me alegra que te hayas identificado con la idea de las diferentes personalidades según el idioma. a veces pienso que somos como esos muñequitos rusos, ¿sabes? las matryoshkas. cada idioma es como una capa más, una versión distinta de nosotros mismos. y lo de compartir mi crianza... uff, no te voy a mentir, me costó. es como abrir el baúl de los recuerdos y sacar todas esas cositas que duelen pero que también nos hacen quienes somos, ¿verdad? pero sentí que era importante contar esa parte pa' que se entendiera bien de dónde vengo.
y lo de la ciencia, pues mira, hasta yo me quedé loco cuando empecé a investigar. ¿tú sabías todo eso? a mí me voló la cabeza. es como que por fin tuve pruebas de algo que siempre había sentido pero no podía explicar.
gracias otra vez por tus palabras. de verdad que comentarios como el tuyo me dan ánimo pa' seguir escribiendo. un abrazo fuerte! :D 💖
Papi I loved this piece so much ! I am and always will be Super Orgulloso de ti ! Te Amo y te veo muy pronto ❤️❤️
Dad, you know - this piece was born that day you and i were in Puerto Rico last talking about how we’d explain PR to gringos… remember that? it took a while for the thought to complete and form. But you helped inspired this one a bit. I love you so much, Dad. <3 <3 Nos vemos pronto
ayyyy diossss miooo!!!
“but here's what i've learned: i am not less. i am more. and i am who i am. i am english and spanish and french and spanglish. i am puerto rico and michigan and washington, dc and san diego. i am loud and quiet, extroverted and introverted, emotional and rational.
i am all of these things. and if you want to know me, if you want to love me, you need to know all of me.”
this is sooo raw and so vulnerable!! anyone who came here an immigrant knows exactly this feeling, you painted a picture of what I went thru as well except on the east coast.
i love that your mom knew all the english bad words! 😂
you are brilliant Edgar! seriously brilliant Edgar!
anyeri! mi amor! thank you so much for reading this and for leaving such a beautiful comment. 🥹💖girl, you know exactly what this feels like, don't you? east coast, west coast, midwest - the struggle hits different but it's still the same at its core. i'm so glad this resonated with you. it's like we're all part of this secret club nobody wanted to join but now we can't leave, you know? and lmaooo yes! my mom's english vocabulary was... colorful, to say the least. 😂 i swear, half the reason i learned english so fast was to figure out what the hell she was actually saying when she got mad!
seriously though, thank you for calling this raw and vulnerable. it wasn't easy to write, but comments like yours make it worth it. it's like... we've all been carrying these experiences around for so long, and finally being able to put them into words feels like letting out a breath i didn't know i was holding.
you're brilliant too, you know that?!? the way you've navigated your own journey, the strength it takes to build a life in a new place - that's not just survival, that's art.
thank you for being you, for being here, for getting it. te quiero un mundo. 💖✨
p.s. if you are ever in san diego, we're getting cafecito and swapping immigrant war stories en la playa, okay? 😘
Estava llorando al fin de tus palabras 😭got me crying in the cat club 😭😭 mi corazon llora. Cuando viene aqui (also excuse my spelling, although I feel decently fluent in my speaking and hearing skills, my writing was never actually something I practiced but I still try!) yo mi senti como un outsider. Nadie spoke Spanish with me, mi novio era un gringo, muy amable pero, un gringo in the end with very limited culture exposure. Yo creo que it did bother me, but I didn’t know why for so long. Hearing your experiences, lo que te dijo esa PINCHE señora, (I would deck her in the face if I could time travel) it just hurts my heart to hear something like this happening to someone so lovely, alguien que merese todo el amor y cariño en la vida. When I look at my own transition into San Diego and all the changes here compared to back home, I did not experience the same things but, I do think I shut down myself and a huge part of my own culture along with it. Es verdar que si no me conoces en mi idioma (is this how it’s spelled? 😭), no me conoces a mi. I feel trieste mirando lo que dices, y applicandolo a mi vida tambien, I feel like a huge part of my soul is missing. The first time I spoke to anyone here in spanish, it felt like a hidden message, like as if we are the Underground Railroad but on the surface. Like hidden messages only we could share amongst ourselves. Whenever un gringo entrava, it made me feel like my space was invaded. Although I also appreciate their understanding of the language. Aren’t we supposed to be the melting pot country? Aren’t languages and cultures and experiences and life stories supposed to bring us together with better understandings of lives around us? And the world around us? I feel small and huge at the same time. I would love to have more time to speak my language and explore my culture and other cultures as well. Yo no quiero perder mis roots. Again, your writing made me cry at work and I seriously felt so heard and just emotional. Ugly crying at work lol 😭😭😭
I think all of this to say, my heart aches for a part of myself that even I don’t fully know. I’ve shared some of my life with you so I’m sure it’ll make sense from that perspective. Pero aye, there is so much que es una mystery. To think, all the generations erased, all the family I will never meet. All the parts of me I’m missing, mi corazon se siente incomplete. Alamejor va ser por toda la vida asi? Or, no se. Pero. Se que no Estoy solo
iris, mi amor. thank you for this raw, beautiful response. you've got me tearing up now too. 😭💖your words hit home hard. that feeling of being an outsider, of shutting down parts of yourself to fit in - i see you. i feel you. you're not alone in this, not for a second.
the way you describe spanish as a hidden message, like an underground railroad on the surface - that's poetry, iris. that's exactly what it feels like. a secret code, a lifeline to our true selves. don't ever feel small for wanting to hold onto your roots. that desire to explore your culture, to keep that part of you alive - it's not just valid, it's vital. you're not incomplete, you're beautifully complex. your heart aches for parts of yourself you don't fully know? mine does too. but maybe that ache is what keeps us searching, keeps us whole. you're right - you're not alone. we're in this together, carajo. your voice, your story - it matters. it's part of the fabric of who we are. thank you for being vulnerable, for sharing this. te quiero un mundo, mi niño!!!! 💖✨
🥹 te quiero tambien Mami 💕🫂 we deserve to share our stories and feel heard and seen. Your piece has really made my perspective shift on what it means for me to feel connected, feel like I belong. I feel like you’ve taken the words I’ve struggled to put together, and put them into this beautiful piece that just really hit home. Mi corazon esta abrierto, quero conocer ese parte de mi y de los otros que amo. I didn’t know, no supe lo que estava buscando, pero I feel as though I can move forward with un poco de claridad. We are in this together!
muchísimas gracias para escribiéndolo - este ensayo se puso muchas experiencias que no sabía como expresar en palabras exquisitamente elegidas aunque mi experiencias eran un poquito diferente 🫶✨ estoy intentando aprender mi quinto idioma (y quinto personalidad 😹)
ay, mi amor! gracias a ti por leerlo!!! y por estas palabras tan lindas. me alegra que hayas podido conectar con el ensayo, aunque tus experiencias hayan sido un poco diferentes. eso es lo bonito de compartir nuestras historias, ¿no? cada uno tiene su propio camino, pero de alguna manera todos nos entendemos. ¡y anda! ¿quinto idioma? eso sí que es impresionante. me tienes curioso... ¿cómo es esa quinta personalidad que estás desarrollando? 😂 sabes, siempre he pensado que aprender un nuevo idioma es como descubrir una nueva versión de uno mismo. es como si cada lengua te diera una llave para abrir una puerta diferente de tu personalidad. sigue así, que eso de ser un políglote es como tener superpoderes en este mundo loco!!!!! y gracias otra vez por tus palabras. me dan ánimo para seguir escribiendo y compartiendo. ¡un abrazo fuerte, beryl! te quiero mucho.
Sabes hablar español?? Desde quando??
desde siempre- tengo muchos talentos secretos 😹
Si I can see that 😳👏🏽👏🏽💅🏽💅🏽💅🏽