on friendship

navigating loyalty and ethics in friendship

it's mental health awareness month and it’s also been a period in my life where i have been, for once, at peace. during this period of peace, i have spent a lot of time focusing on the discernment between a friend, an acquaintance, and a stranger. i’ll share my thoughts.

i’ll start with a question: should friends split the bill?

some discussions do not end in a "right" or "wrong" answer. and this may be because of your culture, your personal values, and the context of the relationship.

for example - what do you do when your friend "breaks up" with another friend that is a mutual? do you side with your friend or do you become an unbiased party, the arbiter of justice and fairness?

this question will be answered depending on the kinds of friends you have. are they people that easily discard human beings? especially when their ego is threatened? are they exceptional people that simply invite a lot of hater energy into their lives? are they the survivors of trauma, needing protection, loyalty, and care? or... are THEY the drama?

me? i'll side with my friends, always.

that doesn't mean that i will engage in the persecution and alienation of others.

it just means that the people i'm in community with - their feelings, safety - will always take precedence over people that i am not emotionally invested in.

now i mean this on a relational tip, of course. i still have empathy for others regardless of whether i know them or not.

you are within your right to say "edgard, that's pretty fucking childish. don't construct your life around the emotional whims of your friend(s)."

you're absolutely right, i agree with you. it is childish. but you know what? I AM CHILDISH! i embrace both the light and the dark, i embrace my biases and work hard to curb those that cause harm.

because i'm very careful (now) about the type of people I call "friends", i trust their decision to discard or disengage from specific people was a philosophical process, an intentional mindful process. i know i do not do it lightly. i agonize and i cry and i get mad at myself, because i always know what i need to do is right.

my role as the "consigliere", the trusted advisor (because my friends are MAIN CHARACTERS, OKAY?), is to be the personification of loyalty, an unwavering ally, and sometimes that means there's a risk of not being fair. but according to my value system - that is a risk i'm willing to take.

i share this to say that debating about whether or not friends should split a bill is subjective as hell.

the better questions, the right questions to ask, are these:

1. what type of people am i in community with?

2. what demands do they make on my moral framework? on my ethics?

3. is there a disconnect between my ethics and the ethics my friends demand?

friends don't split bills unless y'all broke and watching out for each other. otherwise, pick up the tab and take care of it like a corrupt saudi prince. but that's just me.

and finally - the friend that comes to you in your hour of need and gives you money, love, time, or blasts your mutual aid requests/housing search posts are the ones you should keep. those are the ones you owe your loyalty to.

not everyone is in your corner. but to reference the motto of the great state of michigan - if you really need to know you have people in your corner, at your hour of need, look around you.

to my friends, thank you for loving me. thank you. thank you. i am your liege person of life and limb, and of earthly worship; and faith and truth I will bear unto you, to live and die, against all manner of folx.