one queer thing: olivia dean's "carmen" & the immigrant soul

how a windrush anthem became my battle cry

tl;dr: this week's one queer thing is olivia dean's "carmen" - a song that's got me feeling all sorts of ways about my journey from puerto rico to michigan. get ready for some diaspora realness, queer wisdom, and maybe a few tears (the good kind, i promise).

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¡hola mi gente! 🌈✊🏽💖

welcome to another episode of one queer thing, where we celebrate the beautiful, the bizarre, and the downright fabulous aspects of our community.

you know how bell hooks said queerness is about "being at odds with everything around it and has to invent and create and find a place to speak and to thrive and to live"? well, let me tell you, i felt that in my very existence and soul when as a 13-year-old boricua i was suddenly dropped into frozen grand rapids, michigan.

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past queer things: (6) the village by wrabel | (5) eliza's "alone & unafraid" | (4) "for today i am a boy" by antony and the johnsons | (3) “rebel girl” by bikini hill | (2) allison ponthier | (1) "golden brown" by the stranglers

remember - whenever a queer thing is a song, it’ll get automatically added to the one queer thing spotify playlist, which you can find here.

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picture it: san juan, august of 2000. edgard chiquito, a skinny kid with big dreams, boarding a plane with my family, leaving everything i knew behind. my abuelo's house in guaynabo, the sound of coquís at night, the taste of fresh piraguas on a hot day. trading it all for... what exactly? snow? mayonnaise? unseasoned food? dios mío.

let me tell you, nothing prepares you for that first michigan winter. i am not going to lie, the first time was magical. the second time was fun. and then months went by. at some point, it all soured, it was like someone took all the joy and color out of the world and replaced it with a giant white blanket of cold despair. and there i was, in the middle of it all, feeling like the queerest fish out of water you've ever seen.

This is one of my favorite GIFs to spam - from The Crown on Netflix. HM the Queen Mother played by Victoria Hamilton. Source: Yarn.

but here's the thing about us queer folks - we're resilient as hell.

we take bell hooks' words to heart and we create our own damn place to thrive. and that's exactly what i had to do in michigan. because when you're the only kid who knows how to properly make arroz con gandules, you've got to find your tribe somehow.

fast forward to now, where your favorite non-binary puertorriqueñe is vibing to…

drum roll, please... 🥁

this week’s one queer thing: “carmen” by olivia dean

The album cover for the “Carmen” single by Olivia Dean. On the left is Olivia’s grandma, on the right is baby Olivia. :) Source: Genius.

olivia dean's "carmen"! and boy, does this song have me feeling all sorts of ways. this song, mis amores, it's like she reached into my soul and pulled out every feeling i've ever had about mis abuelos, my mom, my journey, and what it means to create a home in "someone else's motherland."

when olivia sings:

first time on a plane

eighteen, you came

you found a door and held it open…

i'm transported back immediately to that terrifying flight from san juan to chicago, clutching my mami's hand, wondering if i'd ever see my beloved island again. except i was thirteen, not eighteen, and instead of england, i was headed to the land of lake effect snow and corn fields. (sorry, michigan, but you know it's true.)

olivia wrote "carmen" as a tribute to her grandmother, who was part of the windrush generation. for those who need a quick history refresh (no judgment, we're all learning), the windrush generation refers to people from the caribbean who were part of a mass migration between 1948 and 1971 to help rebuild post-war britain. they got their name from the ship HMT empire windrush, which brought one of the first groups of west indian migrants to the uk in 1948.

olivia's abuela carmen came from guyana at the tender age of 18. imagine that - leaving everything you know, crossing an ocean, to build a life in a place you've never seen. sound familiar to anyone? (looks at self in mirror…)

in an interview with dork magazine, olivia said, "i am a product of her bravery and i want her to be remembered forever!" and doesn't that just hit you right in the feels? it's got me thinking about my own mom, leaving san juan for the frozen tundra of michigan. different destination, same courage.

the song's chorus goes:

you're stronger than i'll ever be

never got a jubilee 

i'll throw it for you, carmen, carmen 

i will

olivia's referring to queen elizabeth ii's platinum jubilee in 2022 - a celebration many in the windrush generation never got to fully enjoy, despite their massive contributions to british society. and doesn't that just boil your blood a little? our people rebuilding nations, and what do they get? a "thanks, but no thanks" and a whole lot of side-eye. ¡por favor!

but here's where it gets good, mi gente. olivia isn't just reminiscing - she's reclaiming.

she's throwing her own damn jubilee for carmen, and for all the unsung heroes of the windrush generation. and you know what? i'm here for it.

because whether you're windrush or boricua, whether you crossed the atlantic or the caribbean, our stories are woven from the same threads. threads of courage, of sacrifice, of creating home in someone else's land.

so here's to olivia dean for giving us "carmen."

here's to all the immigrant abuelas and mamis who held the door open for us.

and here's to all of us queer folks carrying on their legacy, finding ways to bloom wherever we land.

because we're stronger than we'll ever know. and honey, we're throwing our own damn jubilee - steel pans, salsa, and all.

te quiero mucho,

edgard🎉👑🇬🇾🇵🇷🏳️‍🌈

p.s. olivia, if you're reading this, your music is bridging gaps across oceans and generations, gurl! gracias for sharing carmen's story and helping us tell ours. let's collab sometime! 😉🥥🎶